MY FIRST EARTH CHURCH EXPERIENCE

I'm a NO person! My default response to whatever request is usually NO, followed by a dumb ass excuse. My excuse game is in shambles. Ask me if I'm free to come through for a party and I'd naturally say "NO, I'm gonna be busy". Yeah right, so busy doing nothing.

So my new earth friends held an intervention for me and I decided to start saying YES more often. Their first request was to have me go with them to their church. I said YES!, I was excited. This was a big win for them cos back home in Mars, I was a CEO Church goer (Christmas and Easter Only)

MY FIRST CHURCH EXPERIENCE.
So the plan was to take turns touring their different churches until I decided which was the best cultural fit for me.
Sunday came fast, like cops in white neighbourhood. Victor's Church was up first. It was one of those huge, super modern, suburban mega churches. The pastor, Alan Shmuck was an ex body-builder with a big smile and the personality of a cheerleader. Pastor Alan had  competed in the just concluded Mr Universe. He placed third. That Sunday, he was on stage working really hard to make Jesus look cool. He made jokes as well. One time he said "Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it" and everybody was like "hmmmm?"
"Turn to the book of John 12:49a," he said "For I did not speak of my own accord" The church burst into laughter. The music was good, everyone sang along and if you didn't know the words, that was okay cos they were all right there on the big screen. It was basically Karaoke and I had a blast!

The following week, I had to go with Alex to church. It was rough, I won't lie. No air-conditioning, no lyrics up on big screens. and it lasted for ever, three or four hours at least which confused me because Victor's church was only like an hour-in and out, thanks for coming. But at Alex's church I would sit for what felt like an eternity, trying to figure out why time moved so slowly.

Alex's church had one saving grace. If I could make it to the third or fourth hour I'd get to see the pastor cast demons out of people. People possessed by demons would start running up and down the aisles like madmen, screaming in tongues. The ushers would slide tackle them, like Italian football defenders, and hold them down for the pastor. The Pastor would grab their heads and violently shake them back and forth, shouting, "I cast out this spirit in the name of Jesus!" and wouldn't stop until the demon was gone and the congregant had gone limp and collapsed on the stage.

The person had to fall. If they didn't fall, it meant the demon was more powerful than the Pastor and he wasn't gonna let that happen. You could be a linebacker in the NFL, it wouldn't matter.  That pastor was taking you down. Good Lord, that was fun to watch.

Christian karaoke, Violent faith healers, the slide tackle ushers, I loved church and i was definitely coming back. I learnt one thing though, It wouldn't hurt to say YES more often.