Sunday 1 April 2018

Quick Tips to nail your first Interview

Oh! That's me :)
Just completed your NYSC program and it's time to get a real job!
Here's how to nail your first interview. You can trust me, I'm the Drunk Pen.

Show up at the reception looking super fly in your three-piece suit. Let them know you didn't come to play

When they ask you whether you'd like something to drink, tell them you'd like a glass of JOB

Never refer to yourself as an appliCANT. You are an appliCAN

Know the Interviewer's name and use it during the interview. If you're not sure what it is, call them Jobsy or Jobbo

Remember, every question is a test. So when they ask you, "How are You?"
Reply with "Goal Oriented, Thank You"

Maintain eye contact with the interviewer at all times. If they are two, keep one eye on each of them. That's why you have two eyes, man!

During the interview, make a point to mention that you failed religious studies and say "The only thing I worship is PRODUCTIVITY"

When they ask you where you want to be in the next 5 years, tell them "Wherever the wind blows me"

And finally, if they give you a chance to ask a question, ask them "When can I resume?"

Ahaa! Salary expectations. Know your worth, then add TAX.

Congratulations on landing your dream job!

Wednesday 17 January 2018

My Lagos Numbers


Lagos, the land of dreams, hope and opportunities.

We come here with lungs so clean and pure and go back with lungs no different from a smoker’s because of all that fume in traffic.

You know those three chiefs in white robes at the entrance of the state? I feel like they are saying

“Welcome to Lagos, a mentally disturbed person will be with you shortly”



Even though I was born here, I never quite understood the concept of 5 Oshodi Bus stops; Oshodi Under bridge, Oshodi Isale, Oshodi Oke, Oshodi Along and Oshodi Express.

One day, My Aunt asked me to come to her flat in Oshodi to pick up a package, I entered an Oshodi-bound bus from Ikotun and the conductor was like

“Yellow, where you dey go? Under bridge, Express or Along”

God, what is this na?


I was thinking about this beautiful state on my way back from work and I decided to play a numbers game. Stay with me, Shall we?


4/10 – That’s the probability of entering a Danfo in Lagos and the door falls off mid-journey

8/10 – That’s the probability of you displaying some level of madness to get your change from the 
conductor

9/10- That’s the probability of the driver going past your bus-stop. It doesn’t matter how many times you scream “OWA”

6/10 – That’s the probability that the passenger sitting next to you will peer in to your phone like they know your whatsapp contacts or something.
As a personal treat, I just turn on my front camera, so they can see their nose in other people’s business

8/10 – That’s the probability that you’ll share the seat with someone who’s twice your size but would pay for one seat. Now you have to shrink your bones to stay alive for the trip.

8/10 – That’s the probability that the first conversation with your new seat partner would be “Please, are you giving him change?”

5/10- That’s the probability that at some point you’ll have to come down from the bus and complete your journey on foot because Lagos traffic is engineered in the darkest depths of hell

“Come to Lagos, you have skills, you’ll make more money” they said
They didn’t lie though, but they didn’t add “You’ll have to trade a little bit of your sanity”

And if you live in Lagos and can’t relate to this, I envy you.

And if you live in small quiet town, making a honest living and nursing dreams of coming to Lagos. 

Please stop, stop right there! 


LAGOS DON FULL!

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