ALIEN IN LOVE

Males have always sought out females, it's a tradition as old as time, just like the tradition of dipping bread in tea as a human child, saying "I'll call you back" when you don't plan to, swiping to the next picture when someone gives you their phone to see a picture, I could go on forever but you catch my drift yeah.

When I first fell off the warship during an intergalactic raid and landed on Your earth. (I'm from Mars by the way),
I was introduced to the concept of valentines and how a naked baby was gonna shoot me an arrow and make me fall in love. "This should be fun" I thought to myself. I understood it as a concept and not an activity. So you can understand my surprise when on 14th February, my new Earth friends wanted to know who my Val was. This is intense and I wasn't gonna be left out.

I finally met someone with the help of my boys of course, I didn't have the balls to move to her at first but somehow I managed and we got close.
We were talking one afternoon at school and I asked, “Can I get your phone number? Maybe I can call you and we can talk at home sometime.” She said yes, and my mind exploded. What???!!!! A human girl is giving me her phone number???!
This is insane!!! What do I do??!! I was so nervous. I’ll never forget her telling me the digits one by one as I wrote them down, trying to keep my hand from shaking. We said goodbye and went our separate ways, and I was like, Okay, play it cool. Don’t call her right away. I called her 30mins after I got home. At Four. She’d given me her number at two. That was me being cool.

*     *      *     *       *       *      *     *    *    *
I was truly excited when I finally had a valentine. I spent the whole week thinking about Irene, wanting to make her Valentine’s Day as memorable as I could. I saved up money and bought her flowers and a teddy bear and a card. I wrote a poem with her name in the card, which was really hard because there aren’t a lot of good words to rhyme with maybe latrine ? mcclean? Routine? machine?  The poem was wack but you had to admire my effort.
Then the big day came. I got my Valentine’s card and the flowers and the teddy bear and got them ready and took them to school. I was the happiest alien on earth.

Finally Irene showed up and walked over to me. I was about to say “Happy Valentine’s Day!” when she stopped me and said, “Oh, hi, Um, listen, I can’t be your valentine anymore. Charles asked me to be his valentine and I can’t have two valentines, so I’m his girlfriend now and not yours"

She said it so matter-of-factly that I had no idea how to process it. This was my first time having a girlfriend, so at first I thought, Huh, maybe this is just how it goes.

“Oh, okay,” I said. “Well, um…happy Valentine’s Day.”
I held out the card and the teddy, she took them and she was gone. GUN! Each step she took away from me was like a gunshot to my alien torso. By the time she was out of my view, I was filled with bullet holes.

Who the hell is Charles by the way, I was gonna kill him, that's all I could think about. Damn humans!