MY FIRST EARTH CHURCH EXPERIENCE

I'm a NO person! My default response to whatever request is usually NO, followed by a dumb ass excuse. My excuse game is in shambles. Ask me if I'm free to come through for a party and I'd naturally say "NO, I'm gonna be busy". Yeah right, so busy doing nothing.

So my new earth friends held an intervention for me and I decided to start saying YES more often. Their first request was to have me go with them to their church. I said YES!, I was excited. This was a big win for them cos back home in Mars, I was a CEO Church goer (Christmas and Easter Only)

MY FIRST CHURCH EXPERIENCE.
So the plan was to take turns touring their different churches until I decided which was the best cultural fit for me.
Sunday came fast, like cops in white neighbourhood. Victor's Church was up first. It was one of those huge, super modern, suburban mega churches. The pastor, Alan Shmuck was an ex body-builder with a big smile and the personality of a cheerleader. Pastor Alan had  competed in the just concluded Mr Universe. He placed third. That Sunday, he was on stage working really hard to make Jesus look cool. He made jokes as well. One time he said "Jesus drove a Honda but didn't talk about it" and everybody was like "hmmmm?"
"Turn to the book of John 12:49a," he said "For I did not speak of my own accord" The church burst into laughter. The music was good, everyone sang along and if you didn't know the words, that was okay cos they were all right there on the big screen. It was basically Karaoke and I had a blast!

The following week, I had to go with Alex to church. It was rough, I won't lie. No air-conditioning, no lyrics up on big screens. and it lasted for ever, three or four hours at least which confused me because Victor's church was only like an hour-in and out, thanks for coming. But at Alex's church I would sit for what felt like an eternity, trying to figure out why time moved so slowly.

Alex's church had one saving grace. If I could make it to the third or fourth hour I'd get to see the pastor cast demons out of people. People possessed by demons would start running up and down the aisles like madmen, screaming in tongues. The ushers would slide tackle them, like Italian football defenders, and hold them down for the pastor. The Pastor would grab their heads and violently shake them back and forth, shouting, "I cast out this spirit in the name of Jesus!" and wouldn't stop until the demon was gone and the congregant had gone limp and collapsed on the stage.

The person had to fall. If they didn't fall, it meant the demon was more powerful than the Pastor and he wasn't gonna let that happen. You could be a linebacker in the NFL, it wouldn't matter.  That pastor was taking you down. Good Lord, that was fun to watch.

Christian karaoke, Violent faith healers, the slide tackle ushers, I loved church and i was definitely coming back. I learnt one thing though, It wouldn't hurt to say YES more often.

ALIEN IN LOVE

Males have always sought out females, it's a tradition as old as time, just like the tradition of dipping bread in tea as a human child, saying "I'll call you back" when you don't plan to, swiping to the next picture when someone gives you their phone to see a picture, I could go on forever but you catch my drift yeah.

When I first fell off the warship during an intergalactic raid and landed on Your earth. (I'm from Mars by the way),
I was introduced to the concept of valentines and how a naked baby was gonna shoot me an arrow and make me fall in love. "This should be fun" I thought to myself. I understood it as a concept and not an activity. So you can understand my surprise when on 14th February, my new Earth friends wanted to know who my Val was. This is intense and I wasn't gonna be left out.

I finally met someone with the help of my boys of course, I didn't have the balls to move to her at first but somehow I managed and we got close.
We were talking one afternoon at school and I asked, “Can I get your phone number? Maybe I can call you and we can talk at home sometime.” She said yes, and my mind exploded. What???!!!! A human girl is giving me her phone number???!
This is insane!!! What do I do??!! I was so nervous. I’ll never forget her telling me the digits one by one as I wrote them down, trying to keep my hand from shaking. We said goodbye and went our separate ways, and I was like, Okay, play it cool. Don’t call her right away. I called her 30mins after I got home. At Four. She’d given me her number at two. That was me being cool.

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I was truly excited when I finally had a valentine. I spent the whole week thinking about Irene, wanting to make her Valentine’s Day as memorable as I could. I saved up money and bought her flowers and a teddy bear and a card. I wrote a poem with her name in the card, which was really hard because there aren’t a lot of good words to rhyme with maybe latrine ? mcclean? Routine? machine?  The poem was wack but you had to admire my effort.
Then the big day came. I got my Valentine’s card and the flowers and the teddy bear and got them ready and took them to school. I was the happiest alien on earth.

Finally Irene showed up and walked over to me. I was about to say “Happy Valentine’s Day!” when she stopped me and said, “Oh, hi, Um, listen, I can’t be your valentine anymore. Charles asked me to be his valentine and I can’t have two valentines, so I’m his girlfriend now and not yours"

She said it so matter-of-factly that I had no idea how to process it. This was my first time having a girlfriend, so at first I thought, Huh, maybe this is just how it goes.

“Oh, okay,” I said. “Well, um…happy Valentine’s Day.”
I held out the card and the teddy, she took them and she was gone. GUN! Each step she took away from me was like a gunshot to my alien torso. By the time she was out of my view, I was filled with bullet holes.

Who the hell is Charles by the way, I was gonna kill him, that's all I could think about. Damn humans!

BLACK ON BLACK PREJUDICE

The genius of apartheid was convincing people who were the overwhelming majority to turn on each other. Apart hate, is what it was. You sperate people into groups and make them hate one another so you can run them all.

At the time, Black South Africans outnumbered white  South Africans nearly five to one, yet were divided into different tribes with different languages: Zulu, Xhosa, Tswana,Sotho, Venda, Ndebele, Tsonga, Pedi, and more. Long beore apartheid existed these tribal factions clashed and warred with one another. Then apartheid fell, Mandela walked free, and black South Africa went to war with itself.

All this while, Xenophobia lurked in the shadows, waiting for the perect time to emerge. That time was in 1994.
The incidence continued and the casualty figures peaked in 2008, at 62.

Recently, there has been a flare-up of attacks on foreign owned residences and businesses, registration of an explicitly xenophobic political party and an anti-foreigner march planned for Friday, 24th Feb,2017, This is all playing out in full public view, so nobody can claim they didn't see it coming.

Radicals have claimed that foreign nationals are responsible for the recent wave of drug and human trafficking, spike in unemployment rate as most of the jobns are taken up by foreigners (This part reminds me of a certain orange-haired, pussy grabbing President)

Xenophobia is a word the South African Government has shied away from in the past, as it is a source of negative embarrassment, impacting its bilateral relations with other African countries. It will have to start facing the word once again.

MY LOVER AND MY PEN

MY LOVER AND MY PEN

Theme Song : My heart will go on - Celine Dion

Growing up, Unlike most of my mates, I had a pretty good idea of what love and affection was, in between the PDA from my parents and 18 rated movies I sneaked around to see, adult websites I visited, older aunties I was... Okay you get the point.
I knew stuff a kid my age shouldn't know.
Fast forward to when I had my first kiss.
We were just coming back from school jejely when one member of the gang decided to cause commotion by saying those dreaded words
"THE LAST PERSON IS A FOOL"
then like athletes under the influence of perfomace enha

ncing drugs, we started the 200m race to our houses.

As you'd expect, the girls were the first to fall and because mama raised a fine gentleman in me, I had to stop to give her a hand (not because I was tired as well). I ignored the rest of the fallen girls, the boy had eyes for only Chinyere.
I pulled her up too quick and too hard she flew up and on me. Our lips jammed and the next thing was "eeeeeeewww" and rubbing our palms across our lips tryna wipe off any trace of saliva
Where you expecting something romantic? Seriously, I was 8!
That was my first kiss
And it didn't end there, Chinyere went home to tell her older brothers that one boy kissed her by force.

Next day, I was called out, during assembly and given 6 strokes. Back then 6 strokes sounded like 6000 strokes. The Teacher told the rest of the students that my offence was being a "naughty boy"
Fast forward to University days

*Change Theme Song "Daddy Yo-Wizkid"*
Oh, these were bad days. Had my heart stomped on, trodden, broken, mended, shattered again.
Story for another post

PS: Oh the Lion? It's a totally unrelated picture. I was just amused that an animal could be that frustrated.
Reminds me of the damn economy, and these damn ponzi schemes.