Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 4: The Spoils of War Review

Daenerys and her gang 

The shortest episode of Game of Thrones in HBO history is here and the biggest battle so far is fought and if you haven't seen it, well, Spoiler Alert!

Lord Petyr Baelish scheming his way 

Petyr Baelish is at it again with his antics trying to worm his way into Brandon Stark's heart but he meets a disconnected, emotionless individual and even Meera gets her own dose of the cold attitude of the Three eyed Raven.

Arya! Oh Arya! Our sweet Arya finally arrives home and the biggest Stark reunion yet is set!

Dany, Misande and Jon Snow

The long talked about Dragon glass stash at Dragon Stone is finally found. Jon and Danny take a walk through the cave and uncover evidence that the Children of the Forest and the First Men once fought the Dwights together and this finally convinces Danny to believe Jon's tale and she promises to defend the North if Jon buys her flowers, takes her shopping and of course BENDS THE KNEE!

Danny gets wind of Casterly Rock's capture, Olenna's death and panics as it's obvious she's losing the war. The mother of Dragons threatens to take flight with her children and melt the Red keep as she's fed up of Tyrion's clever plans.

Lady Brienne and her squire, Podrick

We get a brief glimpse of our darling Arya's sword skills as she spars with Lady Brienne. Baelish and Lady Sansa watch her and are impressed beyond words.

Vicerys turning Lannisters to ashes

Dany keeps her word and launches a surprise attack on the Lannister army that took High garden. The battle is majestic and fierce with Dothraki savages running at the Lannisters from all sides and Vicerys breathing down fire from the first whisper of "Dracaris"

Arya unsheathes her Valeyrian steel dagger

The secret weapon is finally unveiled and Vicerys takes a huge arrow to his right side and goes down. This episode is by far the most suspense filled as Jaime Lannister has a close shave with death by fire. He tries to be smart and run through Danaerys with a spear as she tends to a wounded Vicerys but her Dragon turns around in the nick of time and breathes fire on our one-handed kingslayer. But he's pushed away from the blaze by Ser Bronn.

Jaime and Bronn looking confused in the face of attack

The entire Lannister army has been decimated along with her ally, House Tully and Queen Cersi is down to one ally, Euron Greyjoy. Dany is down to at least 2 dragons, a fierce Dothraki army, an unsullied army that's stuck in Casterly Rock and a potential ally in Jon Snow.

With 3 more episodes left in the season finale, How will Queen Cersei be defeated? Will Arya deal the final blow with her new Valeyrian Steel dagger? When will the fight against the Night Walkers begin? Will Jon eventually bend the Knee? Will Viscerys survive the wound or are we down to two Dragons? More to come

Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 3: The Queen's Justice Review

Dany, The Foreign Invader

The Northern fool heads all the way to Dragon Stone to see the Foreign Invader. We've waited for this scene a long time and it didn't disappoint. Their conversation is filled with points and counterpoints with both making solid points to prove their case as Jon tries to persuade her to leave her fight with Cersei and fight the Night Walkers with him and Dany demands an oath of fealty from the Bastard of Winterfell.

Euron GreyJoy delivers on his promise to return with a gift and delivers Ellaria, her daughter and Yara Grejoy and Cersei makes a cryptic promise to marry him but we know that's never happening.

Cersei Lannister, Queen of the 7 Kingdoms

Cersei reaffirms her position as The Queen Mother of Evil as she carries out the perfect revenge on Ellaria for murdering Myrcella, making her watch her daughter go through a very slow and painful death that might have felt a bit "above and beyond," but this was all still within her right as a wronged, grieving mother.

Just when we thought we've had enough of the Lannister incest freak show, they decide to do the nasty and this time they aren't hiding it, confirming all the town gossip, "I am the Queen of the 7 kingdoms, I shall do as I please" she says

Lord of the North, Sansa Stark

Sansa for the first time ever is doing a good job of leading as Lord of the North in Jon's stead but all that "Lord swagger" crumbles as Bran arrives Winterfell and she tears up. We can't wait for Arya to arrive, that's if she didn't turn around after meeting Nymeria.

Sam locking arms with Ser Jorah. 

Back at the Citadel, Sam Tarly's little experiment with Ser Jorah pays off and the Knight is back to full health and should be swinging his sword in Dany's ranks soon.

Like last week's episode, "The Queen's Justice" ended with a big battle, but one of a different sort. Sure, it all didn't turn out well for Dany's forces in the end, but the entire sequence felt different. Here, as the Unsullied army stormed Casterly Rock, Tyrion's voice led us through the plan and we finally got to learn about Tyrion's time as the lowly sewer master of the Rock.

It was all still a big diversion though, and a way for Cersei, who's pretty damn good at this strategy shit, to knock out Dany's other important ally - the Tyrells. So while we were all excited to finally see Casterly Rock this week, the show magnificently tricked us by also showing us, for the first time, Highgarden, and that was the actual important war tactic. Tyrion was duped (again) and we were duped. It was a superb double-duping.

Jaime Lannister and Olenna Tyrell before her death 

The final scene of the episode, between Jaime and Olenna. It was awesome to see him show mercy to Olenna by allowing her to die painlessly but then it was also great to see her spit that charity back in his face when she told him that she was one of the masterminds behind Joffrey's agonizing death. We all knew that she was behind Joffrey's choking, but Jaime and Cersei didn't. I don't know where Jaime fell on the verdict side of things, but we all know Cersei blamed Tyrion and Sansa.

Danaerys Stormborn seems to be losing this war having lost two battles and three allies. Will she unleash her dragons? What secret weapon does Cersei have for the dragons? Will Jaime tell Cersei about Olenna's confession? Is Arya walking around in King's Landing in another face?
4 more episodes! It's a game of thrones, you lose you die.

Chronicles of a Corps Member: Day 7

Soldier x Bloody Civilian 

What's good D?

The first day of the month and God heard our prayers and sent down then rains very early in the morning and  even the soldiers had to spend more time in bed. We heard the beagle at 5am and nothing felt more refreshing cos for the first time in 7 days, we had up to 7 hours sleep.

Had our morning parade as usual and the rest of the day had us locked in with bullshit motivational speakers and lectures about sex and condoms.
The guy once said "Never apologize for who you are"
He's obviously never been charged to court.
This week was supposed to be the fun week, cos drama and dance competitions were slated for 7:30pm.

Platoon 1 Dance Crew

I finally found my problem! Too much talent!! That right there is my problem.
So I rehearsed with the dance crew and I was on the bata drums. We were going head to head with platoon 5 for the dance category that night and had to keep changing our moves during practice cos they kept stealing our moves.

Fast forward to show time!
Update: We killed it!!!

We made such sexy rhythm with the drums, It was almost like out sticks and palms were making love with the drums. (If you've seen the  Nick Cannon movie, Drumline. You'd totally get this) and our dancers had the moves!

Met another beautiful chic, Tasha. Yes, prettier than the one in Power. Witty, Smart and friendly. Tired of typing man, all that drum beating makes my fingers ache right now.

Chronicles of a Corps Member: Day 4

Hey D!

This episode came late, for obvious reasons.
Nothing! Absolutely nothing you do at home will prepare you for 3 weeks of going to bed at 10pm and waking at 3am and I never hespererit.

The party was a giant disaster by the way, kicked off late and the soldiers still came to send us to bed at 10. Who leaves a night party at 10pm?

I once told you of the good thing about the white shirt and shorts we wear, now here's the worst thing about it. Wait for it!

It's practically impossible to hide an erection in these shorts. You either sit in one place and wait for the "young man" to cool down or you start walking funny tryna put your third leg in between you two legs. I shuffled between the two styles to save my honor.

I created something good out of the disaster, knocked down a few bottles at the bar with my goons and did some dirty dancing with the gyal dem.

Tomorrow is Sunday or "Sane day" like I call it as it's the only day we wake up when we like and do as we please until 4pm when our slave masters resume their tyranny.

I'll be catching up on episodes of my favorite series and clearing my mails. See you Monday, fam.
Ciao

Chronicles of a Corps Member: Day 3

Today is the day we can officially be referred to as National Youth Service Corps Members because it's Swearing In Day. All the drills and parade routines we practiced was for this day.
We looked good in our khaki get up! (Please zoom in on exhibit A above)

For being a nice dude on the first day, some platoon member gifted me a tin of milk, lady of course.

The FCT Minister was invited and it was a pretty big deal. We got punished for making fun of the minister's hausa accent during the "repeat after me"
You know how northerners put "kwo?" at the end of questions.

There's a line in the Youth Corp anthem that says "under the sun and in the rain"
It was just lyric to me until it started raining after the parade. Shit got real so fast, they made us sit in the downpour and then the sun came and our clothes dried on our bodies. Camp will be fun they said!

My platoon is on duty tomorrow, which means we gotta cook for the entire camp. We apologize in advance.

Say what you like about the Service Corps, but I think the aim is being achieved. The stereotypes I used to have about the Northerners, I now realize how silly they were.

Night party tomorrow, can't wait! Gotta rock the gyal dem!!

Chronicles of a Corps Member: Day 2

Hey D,
D! Can I call you that?  I feel our relationship has evolved beyond this official nonsense.

I think these soldiers are mad at us for getting an education and graduating or I'm just a weak pussy,  at least I wasn't part of the 5 people who fainted during drills today. The Red cross had a field day!

Just day 2 and I've been called more names than when my neighbour caught me with her daughter. Otondo, white fowl, Unbeliever, Elede, Babalawo, Uncircumcised and these are the nice ones.

I made a few friends. Met an Hausa boy, let's call him Otio. Otio has one of those noses that consumes half the oxygen in the room. Boy had so much scars on his back, I was curious and asked about it, he told me at home, every Friday is "Whip day" and his father beats them just in case they had done something he didn't know of during the week. He smiles a lot for someone going through so much abuse at home and I liked that about him.

My friend Josh who lives in Abuja and served in stream 1 dropped by the camp to see me. We had lunch at Mammy and he said he liked the previous post so I'll try to keep up.

Babes, babes, babes. There's a girl I call Sugar... Wait, Soldiers are here, it's Lights out. Tomorrow man. Bye

Chronicles of a Corps Member : Day 1

Dear Diary,

First off, I wanna say God bless the soul that thought it wise to make white bump shorts the main camp clothing. White shorts have an unusual way making these girls assess look more attractive. Okay snap out of it!

I was made Platoon leader by default and I don't know if it's cos I was early or my dentition and trademark corner smile blew the female officer away. I like to think it's the latter.

Being a leader comes naturally to me, so I wore that Prada suit like the devil. Everything is so godamn expensive here, rip offs everywhere.

I had to be in charge of registering my platoon members and I have to say Hausa girls are the finest women the world is yet to see. Igbo girls are overrated tbh.
(forefinger pointing to the sky)
Insha Allah, I must give pesin pikin belle before I comot for this Abuja walahi.

Gotta sleep man, these soldiers promised to give us hell at the parade ground tomorrow. And please ignore those morons tryna start a family on a #19,800 salary

Game of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 2: Stormborn Review

Yes! Episode Stormborn kicks off with a bang, literally.  There was some steamy sex scene and HBO finally gives us our weekly dose of succulent breasts and rounded bottoms. We'll get to that in a few lines.

QUEEN DAENARYS ACCUSING VARYS

Daenerys hatches her plan to take the Iron Throne along with Olenna Tyrell, Euralia Martell and Yara Greyjoy. She briefly accuses Varys the Eunuch of being a snake which he swiftly finesses his way out of with the fine words "I CHOSE YOU, MY QUEEN"

The Red Priestess, Melisandre who served Stannis Baratheon arrives Dragon Stone with a prophecy on her lips "It is a long night, only the prince that was promised can bring the dawn" She hints at Dana and Jon being very instrumental in bringing light to Westeros.

Dany hears of Jon's exploits in the North and invites him to come over to Dragon Stone so they could both hangout, watch some movies, talk shop and oh yeah, Bend The Knee!

MISANDE AND GREY WORM ABOUT TO GET FRISKY

You have to applaud Tyrion's battle Master plan as both strategic and genius.  As part of the battle plans, the unsullied army have to travel to Casterly Rock. An upset Misande goes to see Grey Worm and they confirm all the sexual chemistry we've seen from these two. Grey Worm pours out his heart like a child, referring to her as his weakness. Kisses her awkwardly, She gets naked and they make sweet love.

It seems our favorite fatso, Sam Tarly may have found a cure to Ser Jorah's greyscale infection. Although crude, gross, and painful, it's the only shot we've got at seeing the might of Ser Jorah in Daenerys' ranks once again.

There has never been a tougher time to be King of the North and Jon Snow is once again caught in the web making the seemingly right decision that displeases everyone, even the fiery Lady Lyanna Mormont. The decision to ride for Dragon Stone at the behest of a Lannister and bend a knee to a Tygarean in exchange for Dragon glass, Dragon fire and a large army. Ned Stark's bastard proves his exceptional leadership abilities to us once again.

LORD BAELISH WITH THAT DEVIL SMILE

Jon's sojourn to the Mother of Dragons leaves control of the North in the hands of dumbo the Oldest Stark, Sansa which to be honest is a sucker move. Lord Baelish thinks this is an opportunity to worm his way into Jon's heart and Sansa's bed but meets a choke slam and death threat from king Jon.

HERE LIETH THE FACE OF THE MAN WHO HATH NO BALLS

Euron Greyjoy returns as promised with the largest fleet of ships ever and attacks the Donnish-Greyjoy ship army destroying all their ships, killing the donnish first daughters and captures her Queen. The battle climaxes when Euron faces off with Yara, he overpowers her and holds her hostage, leaving Theon to redeem himself and save the day, but he panics in the face of carnage and jumps into the sea. Well, we didn't expect much from  a man with no balls testicles

ARYA MEETS HER DIREWOLF, NYMERIA 

Arya on her way back to the North reunites with her direwolf, Nymeria but he turns his back on her! Does this predict further doom for House Stark??

Things to look out for in the coming episodes:

• Jon's meeting with the Mad King's Daughter 
• Euron Greyjoy alliance with Queen Cersei 
• Sansa ruling the North in Jon's stead
• Some more lovemaking from Greyworm and Misande 
• Arya's reunion with Sansa
• Ser Jorah back to full health 

Game Of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 1: DragonStone Review

WINTER IS HERE

The year long wait is finally over and it was totally worth it. The first episode will leave you astounded right from the first scene! So the girl who hath no name Arya Stark "became" Walder Frey and murdered all the men who had a hand in killing members of the Stark family. The North remembers!

The strategy meeting at Winterfell with all Jon's bannermen for the war against the dead blesses us with another glimpse of the fiery 10 year-old Lady Lyanna Mormont as she shuts down Lord Glover's attempt to stop girls from training for the War (If Lyanna Mormont had just one dragon, this war would be over in 2 episodes. lol)

Sansa stark who has been nothing but useless and annoying sweet and innocent since Season 1 suddenly becomes a War Strategy expert and begins to question Jon Snow's decisions in the meeting, he promptly shuts her down as it should be.

The Night king is marching to the wall with his Army of the dead and there are Giants in his ranks and you have to feel sorry for their opponents. Bran and Meera have made their way to the Ice wall and declared their identities. 

CERSEI AND JAIMES AT KING'S LANDING

Queen's Cersei is deluded as she still thinks she's "Queen of the 7 kingdoms" but Ser Jaimes Lannister is quick to remind her that they have control over just 3 kingdoms at best. King's Landing has enemies to the East, the South, the West and the North and and one potential ally, The Ironborn who wants Queen Cersei for a wife before he gives her his fleet of ships.

At the Citadel, Sam the fatso is studying with the Maesters to find a way to defeat the White Walkers and he finally reads about a Mountain of dragon glass beneath the ground at Dragon Stone. Jon needs to know about this! 

It's surprising that with all the wisdom of the Maesters, they would know that beans is a laxative and try to switch up their diet but No!  All they eat is beans...and guess whose job it is to take care of their feaces. Poor Old Sam Tarly

And Yes! Ed Sheeran made a guest appearance, even though he only got two sentences out (besides his singing) and was just sitting there like "Shape of You"at the top of the UK charts for 6 weeks. But damn! That man can sing.

Ser Sandor Clegane's association with the Brotherhood without Banners makes us see an emotional side to the Hound. They are headed to the Night's Watch to help the Wall against the White Walkers. Will these agents of the Lord of Light have a role to play in vanquishing the "Wights"?

DAENERYS STORMBORN AT DRAGONSTONE

Daenerys Stomborn's army finally arrives at Dragon Stone and her Dragons are a beautiful sight to behold! Dany has an emotional homecoming and we see her walking through the dank, deserted halls of the castle Stannis abandoned. She pulls down the Baratheon banner hanging in the throne room and then walks to the model of the Seven Kingdoms, her silence all through is deafening! until she says "Shall We Begin?"  Yes! let us begin!!

Things to look out for in the coming episodes:

• Jon's quest to find the Dragon Glass stash at Dragonstone and a potential "clash" with Daenerys
• Arya Stark's mission to kill the Queen
• Queen Cersei's alliance with the Ironborn
• Daenerys Stomborn's plan of attack on King's Landing

THIS CHRISTMAS, I WAS READY!!

CHRISTMAS, The holiday that transcends race, religion, creed and sexual orientation because there is something for everyone. It was that time of the year, it was Christmas and the whole family had to come together for the big dinner. I was going to have to space shuttle to Mars, It had been a long while and I missed the weird traditions we had back home.

We come from a long, proud, Martian tradition of talking trash. Long ago, opposing Martian tribes didn’t actually fight, we just made fun of each other. When we had disagreements, we didn’t fight unlike you guys with your nuclear weapons. We always found ways to turn our pain into something positive by making fun of each other, we called it “Roasting”

But you see, at the time, I was broke, unemployed, out of school, unmarried and was a huge disappointment to my family in Mars and I was gonna be the obvious target at the dinner table. I had to do something real quick. I called my Earth friends together and we learnt some “Word-Fu”. This Christmas, I was ready for them, if anybody came for me at the dinner table. I was gonna give them fire!!
My time on Earth taught me a lot of roasting skills and my family in Mars did not see it coming. I took time studying everyone and knowing their flaws. I was gonna be giving them some serious clap back.

D-day came real quick, I space shuttled to Mars in time to make it for the Big Dinner, and it wasn’t long before the first shot came. I had barely taken my seat at the end of the table before my Aunt Maya hit me with, “I see that acne didn’t go away” I looked up and said, “I see that your husband did” Everybody went “Daaaaaaaaamn, boy that was dark”  Aunt Maya didn’t see that coming.

We all start eating, and Uncle Dave starts asking me about school, I tell him, “Yo Uncle, I dropped out last year” He smirks and says “Why boy ? Your grades fall back?” Everybody is giggling, I look at him say “Yeah they did, just like your hairline” My cousin starts coughing from laughing too hard. Aunt Maya cuts in “Boy, where your manners at?” I smile and say “Where your husband at?”

Everybody bursts into laughter, they begin to take shots at each other and I’m beginning to get comfortable. Then Uncle Jozi notices the bird tattoo I got on my left arm, He goes “Boy, you know tattoos are a life time commitment” and I’m like “Yeah, but your marriage wasn’t” He frowns and says “I see that attitude didn’t go away”

“But I see your wife did”

Everybody is tearing up in laughter, I was on fire and they were gonna think twice before coming at me. My eldest aunty, Gilana, walks in the room (she’s single by the way) and is happy to see me. It’s not long before she starts being nosy and asks me “Boy, you married yet?” (In my head, I’m thinking, you didn’t just go there) I smile and ask her “You found your baby daddy yet?”

Grand ma butts in quickly “What happened to that lil girly of yours?” “Just like your teeth Ma, She’s gone!”
Now, I’m visibly angry and the room is tense, so I take a beer and my headphones to go sit outside. My Aunt Maya, yells after me “I wasn’t drinking at your age” I yell back “You can’t drink when you’re 16 and pregnant” and slam the door.

I’m smiling at myself, I feel like the cock of the walk. I turn the volume of my headphones all the way up and jam to some Earth rap music. I book the next shuttle back to earth. This was definitely my best Christmas Dinner.