Quick Tips to nail your first Interview

Oh! That's me :)

Just completed your NYSC program and it's time to get a real job!
Here's how to nail your first interview. You can trust me, I'm the Drunk Pen.

Show up at the reception looking super fly in your three-piece suit. Let them know you didn't come to play

When they ask you whether you'd like something to drink, tell them you'd like a glass of JOB

Never refer to yourself as an appliCANT. You are an appliCAN

Know the Interviewer's name and use it during the interview. If you're not sure what it is, call them Jobsy or Jobbo

Remember, every question is a test. So when they ask you, "How are You?"
Reply with "Goal Oriented, Thank You"

Maintain eye contact with the interviewer at all times. If they are two, keep one eye on each of them. That's why you have two eyes, man!

During the interview, make a point to mention that you failed religious studies and say "The only thing I worship is PRODUCTIVITY"

When they ask you where you want to be in the next 5 years, tell them "Wherever the wind blows me"

And finally, if they give you a chance to ask a question, ask them "When can I resume?"

Ahaa! Salary expectations. Know your worth, then add TAX.

Congratulations on landing your dream job!

Chronicles of a Corps Member: Day 7

Soldier x Bloody Civilian 

What's good D?

The first day of the month and God heard our prayers and sent down then rains very early in the morning and  even the soldiers had to spend more time in bed. We heard the beagle at 5am and nothing felt more refreshing cos for the first time in 7 days, we had up to 7 hours sleep.

Had our morning parade as usual and the rest of the day had us locked in with bullshit motivational speakers and lectures about sex and condoms.
The guy once said "Never apologize for who you are"
He's obviously never been charged to court.
This week was supposed to be the fun week, cos drama and dance competitions were slated for 7:30pm.

Platoon 1 Dance Crew

I finally found my problem! Too much talent!! That right there is my problem.
So I rehearsed with the dance crew and I was on the bata drums. We were going head to head with platoon 5 for the dance category that night and had to keep changing our moves during practice cos they kept stealing our moves.

Fast forward to show time!
Update: We killed it!!!

We made such sexy rhythm with the drums, It was almost like out sticks and palms were making love with the drums. (If you've seen the  Nick Cannon movie, Drumline. You'd totally get this) and our dancers had the moves!

Met another beautiful chic, Tasha. Yes, prettier than the one in Power. Witty, Smart and friendly. Tired of typing man, all that drum beating makes my fingers ache right now.

Chronicles of a Corps Member: Day 4

Hey D!

This episode came late, for obvious reasons.
Nothing! Absolutely nothing you do at home will prepare you for 3 weeks of going to bed at 10pm and waking at 3am and I never hespererit.

The party was a giant disaster by the way, kicked off late and the soldiers still came to send us to bed at 10. Who leaves a night party at 10pm?

I once told you of the good thing about the white shirt and shorts we wear, now here's the worst thing about it. Wait for it!

It's practically impossible to hide an erection in these shorts. You either sit in one place and wait for the "young man" to cool down or you start walking funny tryna put your third leg in between you two legs. I shuffled between the two styles to save my honor.

I created something good out of the disaster, knocked down a few bottles at the bar with my goons and did some dirty dancing with the gyal dem.

Tomorrow is Sunday or "Sane day" like I call it as it's the only day we wake up when we like and do as we please until 4pm when our slave masters resume their tyranny.

I'll be catching up on episodes of my favorite series and clearing my mails. See you Monday, fam.
Ciao

Chronicles of a Corps Member: Day 2

Hey D,
D! Can I call you that?  I feel our relationship has evolved beyond this official nonsense.

I think these soldiers are mad at us for getting an education and graduating or I'm just a weak pussy,  at least I wasn't part of the 5 people who fainted during drills today. The Red cross had a field day!

Just day 2 and I've been called more names than when my neighbour caught me with her daughter. Otondo, white fowl, Unbeliever, Elede, Babalawo, Uncircumcised and these are the nice ones.

I made a few friends. Met an Hausa boy, let's call him Otio. Otio has one of those noses that consumes half the oxygen in the room. Boy had so much scars on his back, I was curious and asked about it, he told me at home, every Friday is "Whip day" and his father beats them just in case they had done something he didn't know of during the week. He smiles a lot for someone going through so much abuse at home and I liked that about him.

My friend Josh who lives in Abuja and served in stream 1 dropped by the camp to see me. We had lunch at Mammy and he said he liked the previous post so I'll try to keep up.

Babes, babes, babes. There's a girl I call Sugar... Wait, Soldiers are here, it's Lights out. Tomorrow man. Bye

Chronicles of a Corps Member : Day 1

Dear Diary,

First off, I wanna say God bless the soul that thought it wise to make white bump shorts the main camp clothing. White shorts have an unusual way making these girls assess look more attractive. Okay snap out of it!

I was made Platoon leader by default and I don't know if it's cos I was early or my dentition and trademark corner smile blew the female officer away. I like to think it's the latter.

Being a leader comes naturally to me, so I wore that Prada suit like the devil. Everything is so godamn expensive here, rip offs everywhere.

I had to be in charge of registering my platoon members and I have to say Hausa girls are the finest women the world is yet to see. Igbo girls are overrated tbh.
(forefinger pointing to the sky)
Insha Allah, I must give pesin pikin belle before I comot for this Abuja walahi.

Gotta sleep man, these soldiers promised to give us hell at the parade ground tomorrow. And please ignore those morons tryna start a family on a #19,800 salary