CHRISTMAS, The holiday that transcends race, religion, creed and sexual orientation because there is something for everyone. It was that time of the year, it was Christmas and the whole family had to come together for the big dinner. I was going to have to space shuttle to Mars, It had been a long while and I missed the weird traditions we had back home.
We come from a long, proud, Martian tradition of talking trash. Long ago, opposing Martian tribes didn’t actually fight, we just made fun of each other. When we had disagreements, we didn’t fight unlike you guys with your nuclear weapons. We always found ways to turn our pain into something positive by making fun of each other, we called it “Roasting”
But you see, at the time, I was broke, unemployed, out of school, unmarried and was a huge disappointment to my family in Mars and I was gonna be the obvious target at the dinner table. I had to do something real quick. I called my Earth friends together and we learnt some “Word-Fu”. This Christmas, I was ready for them, if anybody came for me at the dinner table. I was gonna give them fire!!
My time on Earth taught me a lot of roasting skills and my family in Mars did not see it coming. I took time studying everyone and knowing their flaws. I was gonna be giving them some serious clap back.
D-day came real quick, I space shuttled to Mars in time to make it for the Big Dinner, and it wasn’t long before the first shot came. I had barely taken my seat at the end of the table before my Aunt Maya hit me with, “I see that acne didn’t go away” I looked up and said, “I see that your husband did” Everybody went “Daaaaaaaaamn, boy that was dark” Aunt Maya didn’t see that coming.
We all start eating, and Uncle Dave starts asking me about school, I tell him, “Yo Uncle, I dropped out last year” He smirks and says “Why boy ? Your grades fall back?” Everybody is giggling, I look at him say “Yeah they did, just like your hairline” My cousin starts coughing from laughing too hard. Aunt Maya cuts in “Boy, where your manners at?” I smile and say “Where your husband at?”
Everybody bursts into laughter, they begin to take shots at each other and I’m beginning to get comfortable. Then Uncle Jozi notices the bird tattoo I got on my left arm, He goes “Boy, you know tattoos are a life time commitment” and I’m like “Yeah, but your marriage wasn’t” He frowns and says “I see that attitude didn’t go away”
“But I see your wife did”
Everybody is tearing up in laughter, I was on fire and they were gonna think twice before coming at me. My eldest aunty, Gilana, walks in the room (she’s single by the way) and is happy to see me. It’s not long before she starts being nosy and asks me “Boy, you married yet?” (In my head, I’m thinking, you didn’t just go there) I smile and ask her “You found your baby daddy yet?”
Grand ma butts in quickly “What happened to that lil girly of yours?” “Just like your teeth Ma, She’s gone!”
Now, I’m visibly angry and the room is tense, so I take a beer and my headphones to go sit outside. My Aunt Maya, yells after me “I wasn’t drinking at your age” I yell back “You can’t drink when you’re 16 and pregnant” and slam the door.
I’m smiling at myself, I feel like the cock of the walk. I turn the volume of my headphones all the way up and jam to some Earth rap music. I book the next shuttle back to earth. This was definitely my best Christmas Dinner.
